Mola Mola Lab White Studio

It happened during an ordinary walk.

Was there a fire?
Suddenly, everything around me began to look hazy. It felt as if someone were burning something in a factory or a warehouse, or as if a house nearby were on fire—smoke seemed to cloud my vision. I scanned my surroundings, trying to locate the source, but everything was strangely peaceful. Then it struck me: my eyes and nose didn’t sting at all. Only my vision was blurred. Panic set in. No matter how tightly I closed and opened my eyes or shook my head, the haze only thickened. I stopped in my tracks, wondering if I should call emergency services. Then, just as suddenly, my vision began to clear. What was that?

It was puzzling, but since everything returned to normal within three to five minutes, I assumed it was nothing serious and continued walking. Then another sensation hit me—pain, as if someone had struck the top of my head with a hammer. There was no one around me. And I certainly hadn’t done anything to deserve being hit with a hammer. Why was this happening to me?

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Stress-Induced Hyperventilation or Sympathetic Nervous System Overactivation

One common reaction seen in Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is stress-induced hyperventilation or sympathetic nervous system overactivation. When anxiety or stress causes breathing to become shallow and rapid, carbon dioxide levels can drop sharply, leading to blurred vision. Depersonalization or dissociative symptoms may accompany this.

It’s true that I have CPTSD, but I wasn’t hyperventilating, and I’m not sure it qualifies as depersonalization. If blurred vision itself counts as a sense of unreality, then perhaps it could be called dissociation—but it felt different from the depersonalization or dissociation I’ve experienced before.

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Autonomic Nervous System Imbalance / Somatization

This is another symptom frequently seen in CPTSD. Disruptions in the brain–autonomic nervous system connection can cause intermittent abnormalities in heart rate, blood pressure, vision, and balance. If the walk coincided with a moment of fatigue, dissociation, and pain, this explanation is quite plausible.

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Migraine Aura (Visual Disturbances)

When vision becomes blurred before a headache, it may indicate a migraine aura. This can include a watery or smoky visual field, flickering, or vague shadows in one’s sight. The sensation of being “hit with a hammer” could correspond to the central cranial pain characteristic of migraines.

In my case, the visual disturbance felt more like being surrounded by smoke than water—but it could still fit this category.

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Tension Headache or Psychosomatic Response

Stress or excessive tension can radiate upward toward the crown of the head, creating a sudden, pounding pressure. In CPTSD, the body often reacts defensively to sudden or unpredictable stimuli—sounds, spaces, even thoughts—resulting in head pain.

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Primary Stabbing Headache

True to its name, this type of headache strikes suddenly—sharp or pounding—and then disappears. It often occurs around the crown or back of the head and lasts only seconds to minutes. While the exact cause is unclear, it is closely associated with nervous system hypersensitivity, sleep deprivation, and stress.

The pain I felt really was startlingly intense, like being struck by a hammer, but it faded quickly.

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Autonomic Nervous System Imbalance / Stress-Induced Somatization (Revisited)

In CPTSD, the autonomic nervous system may repeatedly sound alarms even when no real threat exists. Blood flow may surge to or withdraw from the crown of the head, producing sensations of pressure or impact.

If this pain followed the episode of blurred vision, it’s possible that my body was transitioning back from a fight-or-flight response—an automatic recovery process after a perceived threat.

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Overall Interpretation

Taken together, this episode can be understood as a combination of a stress-induced autonomic response and a primary stabbing headache. My body misinterpreted a non-existent external threat as a life-threatening trauma, triggering excessive autonomic activation. As a result, my vision blurred and a striking pain appeared at the crown of my head.

In short, it was an abnormal autonomic response caused by prolonged tension.

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The Dual Structure of Emotion

What matters is this: after returning from the walk, showering, and entering my room, I feel proud, relaxed, and reassured. This is because I experienced—through the walk itself—that there was no real danger, no threat to my life. Gradually, my parasympathetic nervous system becomes activated. During the walk, I am in a state of alertness—I must survive. Afterward, I feel calm and proud—I survived. This closely resembles exposure therapy: “I faced what I feared, and I came back alive.”

In that sense, this response aligns perfectly with why I started walking in the first place. Hyperarousal, sensitivity to others’ gazes, and the fear of being seen as useless make it extremely difficult for me to leave home or interact with people. I know this isn’t something medication alone can fix. I need consistent exposure training. For now, I don’t feel ready for social interaction, so I chose walking.

Every day for a week, I walk over 12,000 steps—about one to two hours. During these walks, I become hyperaroused, stressed, and experience “strange” symptoms caused by autonomic imbalance. But inevitably, I return home alive. As my parasympathetic system activates, I learn—through experience—that going outside, that walking, isn’t actually so dangerous.

In the future, I may find myself trapped in smoke again, or struck by pain as if someone hit me. But as always, I will return home alive. And through that process, I will grow closer to the outside world—taking one step at a time toward recovery, toward everyday life and society.

I walk 12,000 steps every day.
But my heart moves toward everyday life—one step at a time.

#Thoughts_No_20250610

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