I have always struggled to endure authority and rigid order. This led me to a sudden thought: Would I feel better if I were the one making the rules? Or would the very format of “rules” still stifle me? This isn’t just a question of leadership or personality; it’s a question of what kind of structure allows me to breathe.
The Issue Was the Structure, Not the Rules
Looking back, one thing has become clear. What tormented me wasn’t the rules themselves, nor authority in the abstract. The real problem lay in structures where:
- The reasoning behind the rules was never explained.
- Exceptions and adjustments were strictly forbidden.
- The act of requesting or refusing was completely blocked.
In those environments, the moment I voiced discomfort, I felt my relationships or my sense of belonging would shatter. Making a request became a danger.
Why ‘Being the Architect’ Changes Everything
When I am the one creating the rules, the structural dynamics shift entirely. I understand the purpose and context of the rules; I can change them if necessary; and, at the very least, voicing a need is not prohibited. This difference is monumental. My nervous system perceives this not as “control,” but as predictability. Therefore, I am likely to feel much less distressed when I am in the position of designing the framework.
Not All Self-Imposed Rules Are Safe
However, there is a crucial caveat: just because I created the rules doesn’t mean they are all safe. There are certain types of rules that can still be suffocating, even if they are my own:
- Principles that are “immutable” or “set in stone.”
- Rules that treat every exception as a violation.
- An order centered entirely on efficiency, excluding emotions and human states.
- A structure where I treat myself as the primary object of strict control.
In these cases, the “authority” hasn’t disappeared; it has simply moved from the outside to the inside. In the context of CPTSD, this internalized authority can often be even more taxing.
It’s Not About ‘Who,’ but ‘How’
The question shifts from “Am I the one making the rules?” to “Do these rules allow for requests and negotiation?”
- Why does this rule exist?
- Whom is this rule intended to help?
- Can this rule be modified?
- Am I allowed to make demands of myself within this rule?
The moment the answers to these questions are blocked, the rules turn back into tools of control.
Inverting Power Isn’t the Ultimate Solution
Many who have experienced CPTSD subconsciously think, “Maybe I’ll be okay if I’m the one on top.” This is partially true, but it isn’t the complete answer. Even with power, even when making the rules, the bodily memory of “requesting is dangerous” remains. Therefore, the nature of the structure is more important than one’s position of power within it.
The Place Where I Can Breathe Best
To summarize, I am not someone who desires chaos. Nor am I someone who can endure rigid order. The point where I feel most stable is in a structure where requests are permitted and negotiation is a prerequisite. I am less a “rule-follower” and more a “rule-designer”—specifically, the kind of designer who leaves channels for requests open so that the rules do not end up controlling the people.
I can certainly feel better when I am the one establishing the rules. But that isn’t because the rules exist; it’s because there is room to breathe within them. For me now, the goal isn’t to avoid authority or to seize it. It is to recognize, create, and choose structures where the voice is never silenced. That is the most important question facing me today.
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