Am I Making Cowardly Excuses?
As counseling continues and I perceive my symptoms more clearly through the frameworks of CPTSD or Bipolar Disorder, a strange sense of debt often settles in. I find myself doubting: “Am I merely blaming my environment or a pathological brain malfunction for all the twists and turns of my life?” I feel as though I’ve become a coward hiding behind the phrase, “I couldn’t help it.” The stronger my will to carve out my own life becomes, the more this “unsettling feeling” follows me like a shadow.
“Objective Causality” Taking the Place of Guilt
However, looking at it coldly, this is not an act of avoidance to blame others; it is closer to a “deconstruction” intended to untangle a knotted thread. Merely reproaching oneself by saying, “It’s because my hands are clumsy,” does nothing to solve the knot. Instead, the moment you analyze it—“The material of this thread is naturally weak against friction, and the external humidity was too high, causing it to tangle”—a concrete method for untangling it finally emerges. Recognizing the environment I did not choose and the temperament I inherited is an act of withdrawing the guilt that attacked me and spreading out an objective map called “causality” in its place.
The Cause Is Not Mine, but the Recovery Is
In psychology, this is called the separation of “cause” and “responsibility.” The environment I grew up in and the way my nervous system reacts were not my choices. Therefore, they are not my “fault.” However, from the moment I recognize those wounds, the “responsibility for recovery”—the question of how to repair and cultivate this life—remains entirely mine. All the diligence I show in knocking on the counselor’s door, unearthing a painful past, and studying my diagnosis is, in fact, the most powerful proactive move to reclaim the sovereignty of my life.
Moving Beyond being “Victim” Toward becoming “Manager”
Attributing the cause to environment and pathology is not meant to preserve me as a perpetual “victim.” Rather, it is to “release” me from the heavy guilt that crushed me. When I thought, “It’s because my personality is strange,” there was no exit. But the moment I perceive that “the bipolar mechanism within me is currently operating,” I become a “manager” capable of regulating my state. When the cold analytical power of the prefrontal cortex begins to observe the hot anxiety of the limbic system, I finally become the master of my life rather than a slave to my emotions.
Finally Grasping the Initiative of Life
Ultimately, the feeling that I am blaming everything on environment and pathology is, paradoxically, evidence of how much I want to lead my life well. I have now stepped out of the prison of “ignorance” and picked up the tool of “cognition.” Knowing the cause accurately is not an excuse; it is a vow never to fall into the same pit again. I continue to name my pain and analyze its mechanisms today. Because what awaits at the end of this process is not a cowardly escape, but a mature independence that takes full responsibility for my wounded self.
The Intellectual Property of Min Jin-sung
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