Questions in the Clinic: The Moment Some Raise Their Shields
In the heavy air of the doctor’s office, the physician asks me: “What was your relationship with your parents like during childhood?” or “Were there any physical or emotional shocks you’d rather not remember?” Many people are said to panic or tighten their lips at this point. Some even react with anger and defensiveness. Professionals explain this as an “instinctive defense mechanism to protect the ego.” Shame, the fear of re-experiencing the pain, or a fundamental distrust of others is what silences them.
To Me, Trauma Was Not an Attack, but the “Answer”
But I was a bit different. I sought out the hospital carrying a heavy load of Bipolar II disorder and nameless somatic symptoms, all stemming from CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). To me, questions about my past history were not an “interrogation” attacking me. They were decisive “clues” that could explain this agonizing pain and the emotional volatility that had tormented me for so long. I was already aware that something in my life was deeply broken; I spent every night in a living hell because I couldn’t find the cause. Therefore, I had no reason to be defensive.
The Desperate Reasons They Had to Hide Behind Shields
Of course, trauma hurts. There are times when just looking at it again makes me lose my breath. The “defense mechanism” professionals talk about—that shield—was likely a grateful tool that kept those individuals from collapsing. Behind the panic felt when asked about memories of abuse, there may be hidden shame (“I was treated that way because I was inadequate”) or a desperate struggle to protect their world from crumbling by believing “it was just common discipline.” To them, a question might feel less like the start of healing and more like a threat to a world they are barely holding together.
The Path Beyond Shame Toward Liberation
However, I have decided to lay down that shield. Acknowledging that the reason my body hurts for no reason and my mind fluctuates uncontrollably is not due to a character flaw, but because of the “scars” left by past events—to me, that felt closer to liberation than shame. The reason I didn’t react defensively was perhaps that I was ready to confront the source of my pain. The recognition that “there is a problem with me” was not self-torture intended to belittle myself; it was the beginning of the hope that I could finally “fix” and rewrite my own story.
The Process of Assembling Myself: A Calm Record
Even today, I lay out my painful memories in the clinic without filter. I am not putting myself on display. This is simply the process of decoding the distress signals sent by my body and mind to assemble a better version of myself for tomorrow. While these may be wounds others wish to hide, to me, these questions are precious sentences used to finally complete the “User Manual” of who I am.
The Intellectual Property of Min Jin-sung
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