As observed, this is a fierce absurdity and a public nuisance. It is akin to being scammed by a bank, only to walk into a neighborhood convenience store and throw a tantrum, demanding that the owner hand over the money. Even if we have been exploited by society and wounded by parents or past lovers—thus becoming emotional "victims" and "creditors"—why do we demand damage compensation and debt forgiveness from the entirely innocent third party (our current lover) standing right in front of us?
This nonsensical, wrongly addressed debt collection repeats itself like a ghost in the relationships of modern individuals. At its core lies the most cowardly and fragile psychological mechanism inherent in human existence.
The Cowardice of Being Unable to Punish the True Perpetrator
The true perpetrator who inflicted the wound upon us is usually an entity far too overwhelming for an individual to confront. It is highly likely the cold "social system" that drove us into a grave of infinite competition, or the "caregivers" who failed to raise us perfectly.
The problem is that we do not dare to defy or demand debt repayment from these true perpetrators. Exploding with rage toward a gargantuan system yields nothing but an echo, and confronting one’s parents is either blocked by guilt or already irreversible.
At this juncture, humanity’s cowardly survival instinct targets the easiest, safest third party: the lover. Because they love us, we harbor the expectation that they will tolerate our stubbornness and absorb our emotional garbage—that even if we unleash our anger, they will not leave us. This is the exact moment when the psychological "displacement of anger" occurs—venting our frustration on a defenseless cat after being bitten by a real tiger.
Repetition Compulsion: The Urge to Rewrite the Past Narrative
In psychoanalysis, there is a concept that explains this phenomenon known as "Repetition Compulsion." When human beings carry unresolved deficiencies or traumas from the past, they possess a peculiar instinct to sit a new proxy (the lover) down and "remake" that failed past, desperate to turn it into a happy ending.
They attempt to patch up the void in their hearts—carved out by a lack of unconditional love from their parents—through the proxy of a lover. They script an unconscious scenario: "My past environment was a tragedy, but if you, the newly arrived character, accept and compensate me unconditionally, my past wounds will finally be healed and vindicated." But to be brutally blunt, a lover is not an actor hired to launder someone else’s historical trauma. An immature relationship that demands past debt from a third party ultimately drains the other person, ending only in yet another tragedy: a breakup.
The Arrogance of Narcissism: "The Protagonist of My Own Life"
Every human being is the protagonist in the narrative of their own life. Consequently, one’s own wounds and agonies appear as the most colossal and extraordinary events in the entire universe.
Because I am the victim of such a monumental tragedy, I fall into the illusion that the lover—a supporting character appearing in my world—is naturally "obligated" to comfort and heal this tragedy. I completely oblivious to the fact that the other person is also the protagonist of their own life, an ordinary and fragile human being living with their own share of wounds and debts. This is a fierce narcissism that blinds us with the sheer scale of our own pain, degrading the other person into a mere "instrument"—a remedy for our trauma or an emotional compensation mechanism.
Conclusion: A Lover Is Not a Refinancing Institution
Ultimately, the reason the romances of modern individuals collapse so easily is not due to a lack of capacity to love, but because they have addressed their emotional debt collection to the wrong house. They absorb the trauma from the outside world, yet enforce the healing and damage compensation upon their lover.
As long as one treats a lover not as an "object of romance" but as a "refinancing institution" meant to clear their emotional liabilities, the relationship cannot even function as a fair transaction. You must shred your own certificate of debt. Only after you take accountability for and clean up your own past wounds and deficiencies can you finally perceive the person in front of you as a whole, authentic "You." Real love finally begins when we cease the cowardice of strangling an innocent lover to collect a debt they never owed.
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